Moms, Here’s Your New Job Description

Imagine walking into a fine museum with marble floors and high ceilings where original works of art by Rembrandt, Picasso, DaVinci, Michelangelo line the walls.

Now turn a corner and find yourself in a room with many others who have congregated to admire a giant poster depicting Pokémon. Wait, Pokemon? Yup, that’s him.

Next to that is a fish tank filled with neon marshmallows and cheese puffs. Someone dips their hand in, pulls out a heap of snacks, throws it into his mouth, crumbs falling to the floor. Another wall contains an enormous flat-screen TV, on which a colorfully riotous cartoon plays.

Suddenly, a well-dressed woman rushes into the room, shouting over the din of the TV, “Ladies and gentlemen, please! Come with me! This room is filled with garbage. Follow me to see the true masterpieces on display.”

She begins to leave, but no one follows. All eyes are on either the poster or the TV, and all mouths are filled with the brightly-colored refreshments.

“Please!” the woman tries again. “There is nothing worth seeing in this despicable room! Come see the wonders of fine art out this way!”

A few sets of eyes turn to look at her. Finally, a woman with orange cheese puff dust lining the rim of her mouth asks, “Aren’t you the curator? Didn’t you put all this great stuff in here?”

“It’s not great! Yes, I put it here but I don’t actually want you to look at it. It’s all trash! TRASH!”

A little boy asks, “But why did you put it here if you don’t want us to have it?”

The woman’s shoulders droop. “Because. It was a way to get people to come into the museum. But it’s not what’s worth seeing. Out here is where the true works of genius are.” She gestures with both arms toward the great hall.

Silence. Then a man says, “Nah. I like it in here.” The rest of the crowd murmurs in agreement, turning back to Pokemon, TV, and grub.

The woman gives up and goes back out into the grand atrium, alone.

****

A curator is a person who decides what is “excellent enough” to go into a fine collection. That might be art, historical documents, scientific artifacts, or any other number of items. If it’s not the best, the curator won’t bother adding it to their collection.

I know it’s harsh to say it, but many of us moms run our homes the way the above curator runs her museum. There are innumerable wonderful things we can, and do, bring into our homes. But alongside those wholesome things we also bring in unwholesome things. Then we get exasperated when our families choose the latter over the former.

“My kid will only eat chicken nuggets and candy.” But who brought chicken nuggets and candy into your home in the first place? And who kept bringing them home long after it was discovered that Junior was developing an unhealthful preference for only these foods?

“My daughter dresses in a way that reveals too much skin!” Who brought those clothes into your home? And who lets her leave the house like that?

“My kids watch terrible shows and movies, and they watch them night and day!” Who let them discover such shows? And who hasn’t pulled the plug every time the shows come on?

“My son won’t stop playing video games!” But who brought the game system and video games into your home? And who hasn’t pulled the plug after an hour or so of game play each day?

“My kids have been taught at school that there are over 30 genders!” But who decided that leaving the home and making money is more important/easier/satisfying than staying home and training up their own kids?

You’re the parent. You have the right and the duty and do decide what comes into your home and what becomes habit.

You’re the parent. You are the authority, not your child. By allowing your child whatever they want, whenever they want it, they become the authority and you become the child, begging for what you want.

I get it, though. Sometimes habits form before you even realize it. There have been plenty of times when I realized that my kids were developing unhealthy attachments to certain foods, toys, behaviors, or shows.

However, instead of letting the habit continue and worsen, I nip it in the bud immediately. Within a week or two of either going cold turkey OR slowly weaning my child off of their preferred thing, it is (usually) no longer an issue. And sometimes I allow that preferred thing on special occasions, which means my kids appreciate it more than when it was a constant presence.

Self-control is one of the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), which God says grow in the life of His true followers. When we learn how to say “no” to ourselves – whether too much food, too much TV, too much skin being shown, too much money being spent on things that have no importance in light of eternity, etc. – we grow as people.

So my 7-year-old kids and I talk about the importance of developing self-control. It helps them understand a little bit of why Mom or Dad has to limit certain desirable things. I also admit my own struggles with self-control, so my kids can see in real time what it looks like to struggle, grow, and (most of the time, hopefully) overcome.

And we pray, of course! We pray for the strength of God to help us do away with bad habits and wayward desires. See Philippians 4:13, Philippians 4:6-8, and Romans 12:1-2.

The younger your kids are, the easier it is to do away with unwholesome things. In fact, if you never introduce an unwholesome thing, you never have to take it away, allowing you to avoid all sorts of frustrating battles!

But what happens when you have an older child who has become unhealthily attached to certain foods, shows, or activities? After all, habits are harder to break when they’ve been habits for quite a while. I don’t have to tell you that if you suddenly unplugged the game console and threw it out the window, it would be tantamount to starting a war.

The best advice I keep hearing over and over from parenting experts is this: provide great alternatives. For every unwholesome thing your child prefers, I assure you that there are at least one hundred wholesome alternatives they can learn to enjoy. It won’t be easy selling your kids on trying new things or changing their behavior, but nothing about effective parenting is easy, is it?

Consider these quotes from some of my favorite parenting professionals about the incredibly tough but preposterously rewarding job of patient, love-filled parenting:

[M]ake home an attractive place to be. Young people generally do not run from places where they are loved and know unconditional acceptance. They do not run away from homes where there are solid relationships. They do not run from homes in which the family is planning activities and doing exciting things.

– Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart (1995), p 194

**

[Y]ou as parents must work harder than ever at building satisfying and affirming relationships with your kids. You must give them a desire to stay within the confines of the family and conform to its system of beliefs.

Self-discipline is a worthwhile goal, but it rarely develops on its own initiative. It must be taught. Shaping and molding young minds is a product of careful and diligent parental leadership. You can be sure, it requires great effort and patience.

A stream without banks becomes a swamp. It is your job as parents to build the channel in which the stream will run.

– Dr. James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys (2001), p 215, 229, 230

**

Weeds can grow up anywhere, but precious fruit has to be tended with care. Like everything else in the Christian life, motherhood takes hard work. But the results are worth it.

– Mary Pride, The Way Home (2010), p 128

**

In summary: We are the curators – the gatekeepers – of our homes. Let nothing unwholesome pass through. If you never introduce your children to unwholesome things, you never have to worry about weaning them off of them.

None of us can be a perfect parent, but we should aim to be an exceptional one. This involves a good deal of time and energy. But if we spend time planning and engaging in activities with our kids that show how much we value them, they will have much less time for unwholesome activities. (And so will you.)