Marriage is a union between two imperfect people, right? So why am I angered when my husband does something less than perfect? Better yet, why do I too often act like I am perfect?
My husband is probably the easiest man on earth to get along with, and a truly incredible partner and father – affable, wise, extremely patient, honest, hardworking, hilarious, fun. He does have one major flaw: inattention. He forgets a lot of what I say. He forgets to do much of what he tells me he’ll do. He forgets to pass information on to me.
There was that time he forgot to give me an invitation to his co-worker’s wife’s birthday party, and it sat on his desk at work for weeks. He eventually gave the invitation back to her, after the party had occurred, thinking I’d never find out. Of course she told me what happened. I was livid, and she was upset because she thought I ignored her invitation.
Then there was that time when I was working at a bookstore in England, and myself and another girl were in the running for a managerial position. We were both to go through a week of training, then afterwards one of us would be chosen for the job. On the night before the first day of training, I asked Sean to set the alarm for 7AM. (This was in the days before cell phone alarm clocks.) I woke up the next morning well after I was supposed to be at work. Turns out Sean had set the alarm but had forgotten to actually turn it on. Needless to say, I did not get the job.*
Then there’s the little times he’ll tell me he’ll do something and he simply forgets to do it: oil a squeaky door, clean up his tools in the garage, pick up something from the store.
Early in our marriage I figured that I must revolt against his forgetfulness by reprimanding or punishing him every time he forgot something.
I withheld things: kindness, forgiveness, respect, affection, sex.
I became his judge and parole officer.
But who cherishes their sentencing judge? Who wants to cuddle with their parole officer? My revolting against him made me revolting to him. Who could blame him?
We drifted apart. I was always angry at him, he became closed off to me.
Then I read Created to be His Help Meet by Debbi Pearl and had two life-altering epiphanies: no man can cherish a wife who degrades him; and no matter what my husband does, it is not permission for me to sin.
How did I not see what horrible logic it was to believe that being a hostile nag would suddenly make my husband a “better man”?
Francis Chan in his book “You and Me Forever” writes, “What matters most: winning arguments or resembling Christ? Even in the heat of an argument we should be asking ourselves if we are acting like Jesus” (68).
I know I will one day stand in front of God and give an account for my sins, not Sean’s. So when Sean does something imperfect, I have two choices: to respond sinfully or to respond like Christ would. I wonder which is more pleasing to Christ? I wonder which will move Sean toward wanting to do better?
I began trying to be a kinder, more patient and forgiving wife. It’s been a long road. I get it wrong more than I get it right. But now we are both moving in the right direction – together.
We’ve been married for 16 years now and I recently asked Sean, on a scale of 1-10, how he’d rate our marriage. We both wrote down our answers on a piece of paper and revealed them to one another at the same time. We both wrote “8”. The average answer that couples give is “4”.
What can you do, or not do, to move your marriage to a better place? It is not easy. It means turning your back on the landfill of wrongs and hurt feelings that have piled up in the past, forgiving one another, and walking forward together.
Maybe you don’t have a spouse who is willing to move forward together. Maybe he’s happy with the status quo, or perhaps he’s resentful for how he’s been treated by you – either rightfully or not. If this is you, friend, my heart goes out to you. Jesus’s heart goes out to you, too. But His Word gives us guidance on this! In 1 Peter 3:1-6 we learn that if a husband is not a Christian, he can be won over to Christianity by his wife’s submission, virtuous conduct, and gentle and quiet spirit.
This means that your husband can see your righteous actions and be won over to faith in Christ, or, if he’s already a follower, then he can be won over to godly living and marital restoration by your humble, Christlike attitude and behavior. This is wonderful news! You don’t have to wait for your husband to get on board for you to begin being Christlike! Your doing so pleases Christ and also gives you peace of mind knowing that you’re doing the right thing.
So, you can revolt if you want to. And you’ll probably be revolting all the way to your lonesome grave. Or you can develop the “incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God,” and, surely, in the sight of your husband as well (1 Peter 3:4).
* I obtained Sean’s official permission to share these stories 🙂
Works Mentioned
Chan, Francis and Lisa Chan. You and Me Forever. Claire Love Publishing, 2014.
Pearl, Debi. Created to be His Help Meet. No Greater Joy Ministries, 2004.
Kelly, Thank you for sharing. You are a terrific writer. I will be reading your posts in the future. Keep up the good work. They are all encouranging. Love and prayers, Rosemary Bower
Thank you, Mrs. Bower! It is so good to hear from you! Love & prayers coming your way, too, friend.
So, how do you help him in his inattention? Truly asking how you meet him where he’s at and fill in the gap so that this area of your marriage is more balanced.
I wish I had an answer. After nearly 17 years of marriage, he’s gotten better at attending in some areas of life but worse in others. As his responsibilities increase at work, he becomes more distracted at home. So while I haven’t been able to “help” him get better, I do try to remember that he is very gracious with me concerning my (many and worse) flaws, and I try to be gracious to him in return.